infant psychiatry….

[Anonymous]

Well, we had our first appointment today, and all I can say is “what a crock of _____”. It was a 3 hour apointment, and my husband and I both went with Hailey. We had 2 psychiatrists in the room with us, and four students watching us through a mirror. I came equipped with my 50 pages of completed questionnaires and was ready to get it over with.

They started by asking me a lot of questions about my pregnancy and delivery. Then they asked my husband about his childhood and his personality, any bad events in his life, and his relationships with his parents, how he feels about work, how he enjoys parenthood, how our marriage is. Then they asked me the same questions. They asked what I considered to be the main problems with Hailey and how her weight gain was. That was when I lost it with the guy… He kept saying to me that if she has gained weight than she doesn’t have a problem with eating because she can only gain if something’s going in. He said if she gained then she’s eating enough.

So I went nuts and started ranting at him that I was so sick of no one taking us seriously because Hailey is not yet FTT, that I was disgusted at the fact that no one was willing to investigate to see what was wrong with her, that no one will admit that she can have pain even though she’s on losec, that no one will admit the possibility that she’s suffering. I blasted the poor guy… told him that I’m so sick of this, and that my childhood and the fact that my parents are divorced (which HE LOVED) is not the reason that Hailey doesn’t eat. That it’s not because of the way my mother raised me, or because I was shy as a kid, or because my grandfather died during my pregnancy. I told him that despite what he says, it’s not normal for a child to never indicate that they want to eat, or to never seem to be hungry, or to be able to go for half a day and still not want to eat more than an ounce.

He just sat there and stared at me, and then said “so you think that her medical care has been mismanaged? If she was sick or if she was in terrible pain then she wouldn’t gain weight.”

He watched me feed her through a 2 way mirror, and of course it was ridiculous because 7 hours had passed but Hailey wouldn’t even suck on the bottle, and she wouldn’t take any solids. Finally she took a teething cookie, and I called him back in. I told him that she hadn’t had anything for 7 hours, and he said “why not, didn’t you offer her food?”, then he said, “well she’s eating now, as she played with the teething cookie”.

Then we had this exercise where they left the room and watched us play with her, and then my husband left while I played and vise versa. At the end, I gave him a video of me feeding Hailey that I made, and he said he’d watch it and we’d talk next week at the next appointment. He never asked anything about how much she ate, or when, or how, or what kinds of food. And he didn’t give us a single suggestion.

I left feeling like I’d wasted the whole day, and endured WAY TOO MUCH psyhobabble for one afternoon. It was nauseating. The whole premise is that there’s nothing wrong with Hailey, but that there’s something wrong with us as parents, and that we have been pressuring Hailey into eating because we don’t think that she’s okay the way she is, and as a result she doesn’t want to eat. At one point he even said, “she doesn’t like to eat, because at some point you forced the bottle on her.” I blasted him, and said I’ve never forced a bottle on her (which I haven’t), and he said “NEVER? really.”

Then we got home and my MIL called and told my husband that she agrees with the psychiatrist and that she thinks that I caused this because I had a stressful pregnancy, and that the reason Hailey won’t eat is because she can feel my stress, and that I am too uptight about all this, that Hailey is normal, and that I need to start making better food for her to eat. I swear it was a good thing that she was on the phone or I don’t even think a jury would hold me accountable for my actions!

All I can say is that I’m going back to the guy next week to get my video tape, and after that I’m telling him and my ped (and potentially my MIL) where to shove it!

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry that the appointment was such a nightmare!

[Anonymous]

Oh Lori – that sounds horrible – I’m so sorry.

[hellbennt]

yikes!

I hope the feeding evaluation goes better!!!

[Anonymous]

Oh Lori, that sounds terrible.

I can tell you, that I have done nothing different with Tyler than what I did with my daughter and my daughter loves food and well you know Tylers story. If anything we were more relaxed with Tyler and I breastfed for longer so if this feeding aversion thing is psychological then surely Tyler would have been less likely to have one. Im sure your feeding habits initally were the same for both of your children too so its crazy for them to suggest that somehow this is your fault.

It makes me so mad that these people think that because our babies put on weight that they must be ok. They have no idea of the hours we devote just to get them to drink a bottle and that if we didnt persist that they just wouldnt have survived this long. Its funny that when you look at Tyler he just is the picture of health, not skinny at all. People have no idea the problems he has had just by looking at him. I am fortunate to have found great doctors and specialists that have gotten us past the bottle aversion stage and at no point did anyone ever point the finger at me. I just hope that you are able to find someone to help too.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all. I knew it would be awful, but I decided that I would do absolutely anything to help Hailey including trying this. For some reason it was even worse than I imagined it to be, and that was the hard part. I guess that I expected him to see that this was not my fault, which i know it’s not because my first child thrived and loved to eat. Really, that only added fuel to the fire, because it made him believe that Hailey doesn’t like to eat because of my expectations that she should be as big as Sarah was, combined with the fact that I was so traumatized over Sarah’s seizures that I became scared to let Hailey be who she is for fear that something is wrong with her too, and because of that I’ve been pushing her to eat and caused this. I know that’s wrong. It was just exhausting to have to sit there and have him ask all these questions and know that every dysfuntional moment in my life was being considered as the cause for Hailey’s issues…there was never a consideration of a medical cause. And then to leave there, no further ahead. Deep down I believed that he would see that I didn’t cause this, and i thought that he would push our doctors to suggest more tests. That was really why I went. But after leaving there I can only imagine what next week’s appointment holds. I plan to call my ped (who suggested this guy) and have it out with him tomorrow. Thank you all again for your support.

s&h’s mum2006-2-7 3:23:58

[Anonymous]

Lori

It does sound like a nightmare — i cannot believe that somebody actually implied you were responsible for anything. That is so insulting and so wrong!

[Anonymous]

Lori – curious to hear what your Ped had to say today? I still can’t believe how ridiculous that appointment was.

[Anonymous]

i think your mil should take over all of your feeding duties.

no seriously, i know i have responded to several of your posts before because we had soooo many similarities with hannah not wanting to eat (yet still remaining in the 50th percentile for some unknown reason) and my own frustration, guilt, and isolation as a result…i was so sick of people telling me that if i were less tense then hannah would also be less tense. my own mil told my husband (trust me she wouldn’t have the nerve to tell me) that the way we behaved regarding hannah’s eating made people feel uncomfortable around us…i could really go on and on about this, but i won’t.

i went and saw a counselor on my own when hannah was about 14 months old. she immediately told me i was severely depressed and needed medication. i followed her advice and began taking zoloft which really did help me lift out of my funk, whether it was biochemical or situational. then at the second session, she told me she thought that the root of the feeding problem was really a power struggle between me and hannah that was only worsened due to my OCD about her eating habits. needless to say that was my last session.

anyhow i am sorry that you are having this experience. i will be thinking of you guys…

[Anonymous]

Well, I called our ped today to update him regarding the appointment, and the secretary said that he was not available. When I told her what the issue was regarding (I didn’t go into details), she told me that any issues that I have with other medical professionals should be brought to the attention of the specific person, and not the referring physician.

Then I called the feeding clinic where my ped said that he was going to fax a referral to last Monday for us. I asked about our appointment date and she said that they never received the referral. When I spoke to my ped last week I told him that it had to go out as soon as possible as they only had a few spots left for February. He said that he planned to take care of it the next day. So, I called the ped’s office again, and asked if they could send out a new referral. She went and asked the doc what happened, and he said that he never sent one out because he wants to call and talk to them personally due to the urgency of the matter. I asked her if she could get him to just send a referral as there are now hardly any dates left for March, and she said “no, he wants to call”. I pleaded with her, explaining the desperation of the situation, and she just again said that he wants to call, and not to fax a referral. I was so upset that I actually started to cry when I got off the phone. Then I called our old GI docs office and asked her to fax the referral, but the secretary said that she’s not in for another 2 weeks.

I’m feeling so beat by the system right now that I could just get up and move. I’ve been wondering about getting a new doctor, but really, he’s actually the best in our city- although he hasn’t really been able to help us lately like we need.

Anyhow, thanks for listening to my sob story.

[hellbennt]

lori,

can you fax your ped asking for him to please please fax the referral. thank him for all he’s done . send cookies to the office if you have to…

erg. I feel for you.

~laura

[Anonymous]

Reading your post makes me so mad. I want to give that guy an earful! He just doesnt get it! I cant believe the psych was asking you all of those questions about your childhood and marriage. I dont see how that has anything to do with her eating issues. It seems to me that a lot of these docs are so quick to dismiss a physical cause for eating aversions and instanly jump to a “behavioral” cause. Oh, and the “if she’s gaining weight, she must be fine”, is a bunch of crap! I’ve heard that same line too many times and it just infuriates me to no end. I honestly dont know if I would have been able to contain myself if I had to endure 3 hours of what you did.

When is your next appt. with this psych? And are you still planning on seeing him?

[Anonymous]

we’re going on tuesday. I’m going to listen to him, because he plans to share his advice after viewing the video i left. After that, he’d better watch out!

Would you believe that last night my dh actually said “Maybe we should tell him about all the times you would yell or swear.” I wanted to hurt him so badly. Is he for real?!

[Anonymous]

LOL, I just have to laugh at your husband. My dh would suggest the EXACT same thing. Except he WOULD tell the doc and he would go on and on and on about all of the bad things I do. He tries to make it comical, but it still ticks me off.

Let us know how it goes on Tuesday. Hopefully he’ll be more helpful this time.

[Anonymous]

Good to know I’m not the only one whose husband believes in full disclosure. And it gets much worse. At the appt. the asked dh how he played with Hailey. He said “well after work, we have dinner. Then I take her upstairs so Lori can play with our older one. I usually plunk her in her exersaucer and put on an Einstein video while I work out for 20 minutes. Then I play with her for 20 minutes before Lori gets her ready for bed.” Then the psych asked “is that fun for her?” He said “she seems to like it.” Then he said, “is it fun for you”. (and here’s the kicker)…. My husband actually said “Well, I guess it’s okay. It’s not the thrill of my life or anything if that’s what you mean. My older one can do more so she’s more fun.” I wanted to smack him.

Then when I was talking to the psych about my issues surrounding her feeding, my dh said “Well you know, you say if she’s gaining weight then she’s eating enough. But our older one was huge. Hailey hardly eats, so maybe she’s not as big as she’s supposed to be.” I know he was just trying to help, but come on, you don’t have to be a genius to see that one coming! You should have seen the psych and the student- Their eyes suddenly bulged open as if they were thinking “ah ha, so that’s the problem”. And then they both said, “she’s just the size she’s supposed to be”.

I almost wanted to muzzle my husband to keep him from making any more idiotic comments. After the appointment, they scheduled the next one, and I told the doc that my husband would not be able to attend (or should I say I didn’t want him to). Well he said, “oh, I think he better come”. I’m still trying to convince him to stay at work!!!

s&h’s mum2006-2-8 15:23:18

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