- This topic has 29 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 11 years, 5 months ago by
.
-
Lori,i suck at giving advice, so i just want to send you lots of hugs and let you know that I also have experinced that feeling when your love just seems to be gone. We went to many marriage conferences and Dh never paid attention to anyhting they said. We are religious people and what finally got Dh attention was this course in Christianity our church sent us to called “Cursillo” and something changed for him that day. That was a year ago and i have noticed he has put some effort in improving our relationship since then. We try to go out on dates once a month (even when it cost an arm and a leg, b/c of kendra extra care), but i think it has been worth it. Also DH is like Thais husband, he likes to have time with his friends (he is a very people person) and he likes to go on mission trips. So we have agreed for him to go away some time and i get some weekends to myself to do what ever i want. I also read this book called ” A woman Walk with God and i learned a lot about how my behavior and what i say i do sometimes affect the way your husband treat you and think about you. I followed a lot fo her advice and i have good results. Any ways iam a great listener, if you want to just talk about it.Lori,
I think almost every marriage has had it’s ups and downs no doubt about it. Proof here in all these similar posts.If dh doesn’t want to participate in counseling, it does sound like you have tried. Maybe you should check out counseling for yourself and let him know that you are going and not that it’s to bash him, just that you feel that things are going in the wrong direction and that you need some advice or someone to really listen to how you feel. I know that when I follow through with something, sometimes dh sees that I’m for real. Maybe your dh doesn’t really see how desperate you are??? Maybe if he sees you are going to counseling he will want to join in just to see what you are saying about him??
I think that Kevin and I have come closer together b/c of Owen and being that we have only been married 5 yrs I guess I consider us to still be a “young” married couple and maybe we haven’t hit that plateau yet? We have also had a lot of close friends who have divorced including Kevin’s older sister and we just don’t want to go there……On the whole subject of the physical relationship, you are in your 30’s you’re supposed to be in your sexual prime, not to be too graphic. But you should really not HAVE to think of “it” as a chore. It’s supposed to be fun!
Not that me saying it is going to make it any better, but I feel bad for you in that respect. We all do have needs like you said and I definately feel resentful if my needs aren’t being met!Hugs to you!!!!hmmmmmmm. my parents have been married since 1959, have had 4 kids, and still make out in the kitchen. it is for this reason, i never thought i would get married.
(ha ha ha) me — i get “goosed” in the kitchen a lot, but usually i am juggling making 2 meals and figuring out how i can get all of my work done in a day, and chatting with hannah about butterflies…and it makes me mad (the goosing). honestly, the physical part of my marriage never required effort until we had hannah, but when time passes i look at “affection” like “one more task,” which is not really the case when it comes down to it — but exhaustion often wins out over libido (in my case, not my husbands…) not being physical for awhile is like having a “big red chicken” in the room with you (sorry for the Dora reference) — its akward, but i suppose after awhile you get used to it…and it can be a little depressing.having read everyone elses posts, i can agree what improves the situation is communication (sometimes too much) and time to oneself — that is not work related. i think we are able to stay connected because we are open with each other, good and bad, but we are both big talkers. putting your marriage ahead of the children means you will be present for your children, as it is that “loooooooooove” that brought them there.so effort. yeah. cute ideas for simple dates, etc, but when it comes down to it — the only thing to do is to go to bed. the rest of it falls into place. and you guys will remember how to talk again once that big red chicken leaves the room. can you leave hailey in your bed and join your husband? sorry for my bluntness, but its my style.Thank you all for the ideas. It gave me a good cry and a good laugh (Becky, you’re hilarious!!!… and what is “goosing”?
…though I have a feeling it’s x-rated!)!I certainly know what we have to do, I just don’t know how to get there. Tiffany, thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll pick it up. Kind of sounds similar to “men are from mars, women are from venus”. My problem is that I know it in theory, as does dh, but it doesn’t get translated to our personal life. The work analogy is definitely true in our case- he feels like b/c he works 12 hour days that I don’t do enough and that I’m too critical of him.Erica, I definitely think that I’ll pursue counselling on my own. I don’t know why I never thought of that before. I need someone to talk to. In terms of our sex life, yes it’s embarrassing. I don’t know how it got like this, but Becky’s big red chicken analogy is a good one. It’s always this awkward thing that’s looming there. The thing is, that dh feels like we should just not make such a big deal of it, and just do it. But I feel like we’ve been so emotionally disconnected that it’s like having sex with a stranger. It doesn’t feel right. I feel like I need to be wooed, or given some kind of affection, or indication that I’m cared for, and even that he’s attracted to me, and treated with some kind of decency. Almost like we need to start from scratch. He thinks that making such a big deal of things just makes it worse. Anyhow, I know that no one can really solve this for me. It’s just such an ugly place.Laura, thanks, I’d appreciate any links that you have.Thanks again. You guys are the best.We have 2 older children who had reflux (and prob MSPI but didn’t know back then
) so I do know from past experience that things will SLOWLY get better. With Carson being good/bad weekly, I also sleep in Carson’s room most of the time. DH and I are also business partners, managing the lives of our children. Sad, but, I know this from the other 2. If we can make it until Carson can quit vomiting and actually sleeps at night 
, we will have **made it through the rain…..** (remember that song?) This goes back to the post about – feeling as if we were robbed of the early years of our children’s lives – and yes we were and are. I prayed for Carson to be 2. Now I will pray for him to be 3. And, one day, ONE DAY, he will magically be great! That is how it was with our older two. Things with DH did not get better magically that day, but slowly things will be better.
I think we are smarter due to what we have been through, but it also leaves some scars on us that will never heal. Others may not see them as they are scars but we will always see/feel them. DH prob has scars also – although they are different than yours. Hang in there.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
