Am I a bad mom?

[Anonymous]

I have a 4.5 month old who has reflux. She started off projrctile vomiting at birth and then she would aspirate. I freaked out! Finally we saw a GI specialist at 2 months old and now she is on prevacid 7.5mg 2xday. She started doing bettter with the vomiting but arches her back and continually fights most of her feedings. This past week she got gradually worse! I called the doctor at the beginning of the week and told them she was really fighting me and asked if they could up her meds. I got a call back that she was already on max dose for her age. Her intake was decreasing so I called back on Wednesday and they said that if she continually got worse they would work her in next week. By Friday she was awful and I called to make the appointment for the upcoming week. I asked the nurse if I could add another medicine because I was concerned going into a 3 day weekend if she continued to get worse. Friday afternoon a doctor i have never seen called and said they were going to admit her for dehydration which she did not have! I was freaking out! My husband blamed me for them wanting to admit her which I agreed was not necessary for tube feeding. We were not to that point yet. He told me I should have never called back but I was really concerned and thought there might be something else she could take. Now he has told me that he thinks the reason she does wat well and fights her feedings is becasue of me which make s me feel like the ALL TIME WORST MOM!! He fed her yesterday and she only fough him bad once and that is what he is basing this on. He feels like as long as she eats it does not matter if she fights you putting the bottle in her mouth. She is obviously in pain and I hate to see her that way! The doctor said she thought we may need an upper GI study done so we are going to talk to her doctor on Tuesday. My husband said he does not think she needs it and if they do it, it is only because my anxieties pushed them into it. Is he right? I feel terrible and I feel like a single parent. My husband has not shown any concern over my feelings. I would never put my child in jeopardy or force anyone to do any unnecessary tests on her. The last thing I want is for her to be in pain. I guess I just needed to vent. I used to think my marriage could withstand anything, now I wonder!! Am I overeacting? Am I a bad mom? I feel very alone!

[Anonymous]

Your not a bad mom. Reflux is so hard on a family. An upper gi won’t show if she has reflux or not. It sounds like she is on a low dose and if she was properly medicated she would probably stop fighting you. I think I would be concerned about a feeding aversion because she is beginning to think of the bottle as pain. Find a new doctor, maybe a family doctor and try and get an increase just to see if it helps.

[Anonymous]

You are not a bad mom at all. Everything you are doing is becuase you love your little one and you don’t want her to be in pain!

[Anonymous]

You are not a bad mom!! You know her best. DH doesn’t feed her and care for her all the time like you do.

My dh gave me a very hard time about it all too. He told me it was my anxiety that caused Myles to not want to eat. He flipped out every time I called the doctor and he made me feel guilty for subjecting Myles to testing. In the end I WAS RIGHT, and it’s a good thing I listened to my motherly instincts and not my dh. As soon as Myles was on the high dose of Prevacid that marci-kids recommends things turned around and Myles stopped fighting and fussing with feedings.

It is NOT normal for a baby to fight and fuss while eating. Pain free babies enjoy eating. It is comforting and relaxing for them and they only refluse when they’ve had enough. Myles refused to eat continually and I KNEW something was wrong. If I had listened to dh Myles would probably have a full fledged feeding aversion. We narrowly avoided one because he was over five months old by the time we got him on the high dose of Prevacid he needed and by that time he had learned that the breast and/or bottle meant pain.

You are a good mommy and you are doing what’s right for your baby. Keep working on getting her dose increased. Have you shared the marci-kids info with her doctor? If he won’t hear it try another doctor. Sometimes family doctors are more inlined to prescribe the higher doses. They see adult patients with GERD all the time and they seem more sympathetic about how painful it is.

Sending prayers and hugs.

[Anonymous]

i agree. you need to try to get her a higher dose. please read marci kids.com and go through the dosing.

[Anonymous]

So sorry things are so difficult for you right now. An upper GI can show reflux – it did with both of my girls. Fortunately (I guess I can use that word) they refluxed while the test was being performed. We watched the screen as both of them drank the barium, filling the tummy, and shooting right back up to the back of their throat, causing them to arch and scream. There are cases where the baby doesn’t happen to reflux during the test, causing the doctor to say the child does not have reflux, so it is not always conclusive.

Sorry your husband isn’t being very supportive. We are here for you if you need us!!

Robin

[Anonymous]

You are definately not a bad mom. You are doing what is best for your baby because you love her. (We have all felt this way at times, so don’t feel bad- I have had so many experiences know where I have thought something is wrong and people have told me I am overreacting and guess what I WAS RIGHT- so absoultely go with you motherly instincts every time!!!!!).

My Gp- family Dr was the one who acknowledged my difficulties and gave Alana her high dose of zoton/prevacid. Maybe try this avenue.

BTW- there have been plenty of times over the last few months my hubby and I have talked divorce- some days i still think it and I have kicked him out a few times (unfortunately he has never left LOL). Not because we don’t love each other but because of all the extra stress. Reading between the lines, I think a lot of other relationships are put under stress when the little one arrives, even without the arrival of reflux as well.

I have learnt since arriving on this forum, that I am never alone. You will never be alone with such a great forum family. Come for a hug whenever you need it.

[Anonymous]

Trust your instincts! I learned this with my first one. Everyone told me I was having so much problems since I was a first time mother, I knew otherwise. I knew children are suppose to eat and feel pleasure during feedings not crying, pushing the bottle away, arching into a C shape, and not sleeping! Alexis’s Upper GI showed nothing but I knew she had reflux and the Peds GI completely agreed. DH and I had a lot of fights because of the stress of feeding Alexis. With Taylor the Upper GI showed severe reflux, we got her medicated right away, so her reflux is much better. DH has been much more supportive with Taylor after we went through the reflux with Alexis. Everytime I call the doctor, I tell him and he is actually very happy that I did. It took DH taking care of Alexis by himself for a few days to understand how hard things were, after that he was very supportive and of course the second time around, the support started right away. Hang in there, the main thing is talk openly about everything try not to hold things in until you burst, yelling at everyone (trust me I did that and it didn’t help things at all!) And this forum is a great support system for reflux issues and just to vent!

[Anonymous]

You are definitely not a bad mommy. Babies should not fight their bottles. My MIL used to insist that we must be over reacting to Kaelyn’s symptoms because Kaelyn would do really well with her. It was almost as if the change in caregiver or location would distract her enough that she would forget that she was in pain. When I went for my six week post partum check up, my MIL watched Kaelyn and she showed her true colors. After that we never heard another thing about how we must be causing it.

As Sue said, the best thing for our relationship and my dh’s understanding of reflux was him spending time alone with her. When I went back to work, he had her alone all day on Mondays and he quickly developed a whole new appreciation for me and for Kaelyn’s reflux. It definitely helped us.

Another thought, hospitalizing her may not be as bad as it sounds. Our ped admitted Kaelyn when she was 4 weeks old for observation because she was choking on her spit up and turning blue. It was absolutely the best thing that could have happened for her. The ped and ped GI stopped in every day to check on her and upped her dose of zantac every day until she decided that zantac wasn’t working and switched her to prevacid. The nurses were able to document exactly how bad Kaelyn’s situation was and the doctors realized that we weren’t just “first time” parents who were over reacting. So, while it was incredibly scary to have them say they wanted to admit her, it ended up being a really good thing for us.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God! I love all of you so much for all your encouragement! What a great and much needed support system! I have been feeling really bad the last few days and I am so glad I was told about this site from a friend. I do not have any family to speak of and I moved to Mississippi just a few years ago so I do no thave much support. We are members of a church but unfortunatly I have only been a couple of times since Gabrielle has been born (Gabby). I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to respond. It really helps to have people who actually understand what I am feeling.

[Anonymous]

I have no family nearby either and it’s very lonely. It’s especially difficult during stressful times….like when things were so bad with my reflux babies. Oh, how I wished that my mom or my sisters were nearby to offer support and encouragment.

Anyway, as soon as your little one is feeling better try to make some connections in your community. My life improved so much once I made a few friends here. Especially mommy friends. Some churches have mother’s groups and that’s a great place to meet other mommies.

[hellbennt]

(there are local babywearing groups http://www.mamatoto.org/Default.aspx?tabid=61)

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. I already posted some of my thoughts to your other post. But I know how awful you feel. My husband never understood how difficult it was for me to be responsible for feeding Hailey and to be saturated with this issue all day and night. He got to go off to work and didn’t have to feel the responsibility of what happened with each feed. If your daughter is feeding better with him, then I would say to let him feed her as much as possible when he’s home. If she won’t feed better with him and fights him as well, then he’ll start to realize what the issue was.

We have been dealing with Hailey’s feeding problems since she was a week old. It didn’t become unbearable until 8 weeks old when she started refusing to eat altogether. I ended up feeding her asleep because that was the only way she would take it, and I didn’t want to fight her all the time, though even that was a struggle. Our ped and ped GI said that she might need a tube and our ped once wanted to admit her for hydration. My husband’s family was so angry and unsupportive about this, and made such a big deal about the tube that I got so scared of it and kept sleep feeding her. We are still sleep feeding her to this day and as a result are dealing with a lot of hardships and feeding struggles that are not easy to correct.

I’m not telling you this to scare you. Many people have been able to turn feeding aversions that are just starting around by a high dose of PPI. Others like us have not. But I think it’s definitely a first step because until her pain is controlled she won’t want to eat.

My other comment, and I hope that some moms of tubefeeders will chime in, is not to make the same mistake that I did. I was so scared of the tube that I did everything in my power not to get one, and thankfully Hailey gained and I didn’t have to. But as I said, now we are still under feeding stress and paying the price for that decision.

As I’ve said, I hope that you can turn things around and don’t need a tube. And I’m not saying that the tube is the answer or that it will even come to it, but the most important thing is that your daughter is getting the nutrition she needs, and not as much how she is getting it. I was afraid that if I got a feeding tube for Hailey then we would be dealing with oral aversions and feeding problems for a long time. But I post on other sites, and what I’ve realized is that the kids who have feeding tubes that are the same age as Hailey are doing the same as she is, some better some worse, but mostly the same, and that they have better options for feeding therapy than we do.

An ng tube is temporary if you need it in the end, and a hospital admission sometimes helps to get all the needed testing done quickly without waiting… that’s kind of my silver lining.

I hope that the increased meds will help to turn the feeding issues around. Hang in there and keep fighting for what your daughter needs. HUGS.

[Anonymous]

I can really identify with your situation as my husband isn’t very supportive of me in this whole thing either. He is helpful in the sense that he takes the baby so I can have a break, sleep, etc., but he keeps telling me he will just have to outgrow this, that I should put him down and let him cry a little bit, etc. I’m so tired of feeling like he doesn’t understand what I’m going through – I feel so alone right now. Also, my mom and other relatives keep saying, “Well, you know he’s basically healthy since he’s growing and gaining weight.” I know that I’m lucky that he eats and is gaining weight after reading some of your posts here, but it is still hard to hear him crying all the time and seeming miserable. I will say a prayer for you, and please do the same for me (if you believe in prayer). Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Emily,

I”m really sorry that your dh is not being supportive. My dh has used to tell me to quit complaining about it and be thankful it wasn’t fatal. . I was very grateful that it wasn’t fatal and God knows that, but anyone taking care of a screaming infant 24/7 is going to be worn down and stressed out. I think if he had to do it for one day he would have given up and hired someone else to do it. There’s a reason God made women mommies. Not that that excuses our husbands of their insensitivity.

So, anyway, I understand what you’re going through and I really feel for you. Hang in there and come here for support if you’re not getting it at home. And do try to find some support nearby. I made some new mommy friends and though none of them have dealt with reflux they were much more supportive than my dh ever was. Also, if dh is willing let him take care of the baby for a while and you go out and relax. He may have a better perspective on things when you return.

[Author]

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