Infantreflux.org | Bring back that lovin' feeling...

This topic has 29 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 11 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 30 total)

1 2 →

Author

Posts
July 10, 2007 at 9:30 am #38936

Anonymous
Inactive

…. cause it’s gone, gone, gone, wo-oh-oh-oh-oh….

Okay, now that most of you think I’ve gone nuts, I could use some advice.

I know it’s normal for relationships to change after having a baby. I know it’s normal for relationships to change after having two babies. I know it’s normal for relationships to change after having a sleepless refluxer with a feeding aversion. BUT, things have reached a point where I don’t know how to get things back on track.

Since Hailey has been born, our relationship has hardly been a relationship at all, but more like a business relationship. I love dh, but we fight a lot, and sometimes we don’t talk at all if it’s not about the kids. Actually, most of the time we don’t talk at all. We never speak during the day while dh is at work, just a strange thing that he’s never like since before we’ve been married.

Now he has a busy job and works really long days and I know he comes home and is exhausted. Since the sleep problems started with Hailey he has been in the guest room, and since they’ve yet to resolve, my bedmate is Hailey. We don’t even share a room, so I’ll leave the part about our physical relationship to your imagination.

It’s really bad. I’ve suggested marriage counselling to get things back on track, but he refuses and thinks that I’m making too big of a deal about things. I’ve told him what I need, but it just never happens, and I’m sure that I’m not giving him what he wants either. We’ve tried to sit down and talk about it, but nothing comes out of it.

The thing is that this has been going on for 2 years now, and while it doesn’t change the way I feel about him, it does change the way I feel about our relationship and about our life. I worry where we’re going to be longterm if we can’t fix things now.

Any advice?

July 10, 2007 at 9:46 am #38938

Anonymous
Inactive

No advice, but I feel the same way. We don’t talk much other than about Cooper unless we are fighting and we are still newlyweds. Nov will be our 2yr anniversary…. I do love my dh dearly, but this has been way more difficult than I ever imagined. So know that you are not alone… Sending great big your way.

July 10, 2007 at 10:50 am #38944

Anonymous
Inactive

Yeah, nothing but big hugs here! We are going through a rut here too. DH is fantastic about helping with Sarah…when he’s home…but the spark in our relationship is gone as well. I told him a few weeks ago that I feel like we are just babysitters for Sarah and it’s like a tag team effort. OK, DH is home I’m going to grocery shop. OK, Amy is home I’m going to go run to the ball field. There is rarely family time with the three of us…let alone just the two of us. I told him that other night that I wished we were more affectionate and he said “we’ll work on that”. Um, how? Typically after Sarah goes to bed, he’s off to the ball field to watch other games if his team isn’t playing. I appreciate him helping get her ready for bed, etc…but what about ME?? We also don’t talk about anything other than Sarah and even our attempts to go out and have dinner alone have resulted in silence sometimes!!! Totally sucks!

I can understand how people always say that the parents need to make time for each other after a baby because when the baby is gone, you might not have a relationship left. I can TOTALLY see that happening to us!

Sorry to ramble on there about my life…You mentioned your attempts at talking about it don’t get anywhere. Is it because he doesn’t feel the same way as you? He’s comfortable with where things are and doesn’t see a need to change? Is too tired from work to make the effort? Does he agree with your feelings about the relationship or does he dismiss them? Sorry that I can’t remember, but do you have family/friends that you trust to watch the girls if you went on a night out with DH? Like I said, sometimes that doesn’t do squat for us, but it’s still nice to get out. Maybe even a WEEKEND away just the two of you?

I also know of women who have boycotted housework, etc…because they were fed up with not getting help from DH. Would boycotting other things sink in with him?

I know how you feel and I wish there was an easy answer. HUGS!!!!

July 10, 2007 at 11:51 am #38947

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi Lori, you know I could have written your post because we have been in a similar situation (sleeping in seperate rooms). At times, it feels as if DH and I are roommates rather than husband and wife. It definitely takes a toll on your marriage. We don’t talk about it much but I know we both feel it.

The situation is improving since Seth is doing better at night but it is still not like it used to be. DH just started a new job too with long hours and a long commute so he leaves before us, gets home after us so it is tough. I am also a WOHM mom so at times it is all I can do to have enough energy when I get home to get dinner, give Seth a bath, clean the kitchen and go to bed! DH has always been awesome helping with the house and Seth but now because of his schedule a lot more of that is falling on me.

Back to the romance though, I have finally decided that although I love Seth more than the world and he is my pride and joy, that to be good parents, we also have to have some sort of life for ourselves. I went Friday night and rented us a movie (I can’t tell you the last time we did that) and we watched it after Seth went to bed. Then, on Saturday, we took Seth to his Grandma’s for a couple of hours and we went and checked out the new IKEA store and went for ice cream. These are little things but it was nice for us to have some time alone. The house was a wreck when we went and I had a million of other things to do but I decided to let it go for once. As for romance, we try to take advantage of nap time when we can since nights can be crazy.

It’s ironic, I just started reading the book, The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks last night. He references a lot of these issues in it. Things like how tough it is with a baby (much less a reflux one!), about relationships and how people grow apart, etc. I read half of it in one sitting. It was a real eye opener because I kept thinking this could easily be us in a few years if we don’t make some changes.

I don’t know if this helps but you are definitely not alone!!

July 10, 2007 at 2:41 pm #38951

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks everyone. We’ve been in a rut for a while and I don’t know how to get out of it. I know he feels the same way I do, but he thinks that we just need to get our private life back where it was and everything else will fall into place. To me, that’s a joke, b/c something is missing and embarrasingly it’s been so few and far between that we’ve spent that kind of time together, that it feels awkward and almost like work… like there’s no excitement or passion. (Sorry, I’m sure it’s as embarrasing to read about this as it is for me to write it.) I swear I could open the door without clothes on when he came home from work, and he’d say “what happened to your clothes?” and then go upstairs and get changed. There’s no spark and certainly no itiative on his part, which is so different from how our life was before. We do try to watch a movie after the kids go down, but we can’t even agree on what’s interesting to watch anymore, and I either can’t take it from boredom or fall asleep. And he’s always munching down on a bag of popcorn at one end of the couch, while I’m thinking about how annoyed I am at how loud the crunching is at the opposite end of the couch. If I move closer to him, it just feels empty and makes me want to cry. We don’t have much help, so getting out often isn’t an option. Anyhow, I don’t know why I’m going on about things. I guess I’m just feeling down about it today. I don’t want to live my life like this- I expected more. s&h’s mum2007-07-10 14:45:54

July 10, 2007 at 2:50 pm #38952

Anonymous
Inactive

Roomates and babysitters, yep, that’s what we are! But I truly think we are both comfortable with that right now. DH works really late and most of the time and by the time he comes home the girls and I are alseep! Both girls have been sleeping in our room since Taylor was born, so about 15 months now, so no romance there! We are getting a new house soon with is much larger so we will be putting the girls in their own rooms!!! Anyways, we do the same as Tiffany mentioned the grandma watches them while we run errands together, then we typically go out for a nice lunch or get some ice cream. We are both night owls on the weekends so we typically get a movie and watch it together laying on the couch. I just think we are just both use to it now and both know that things with the girls will get better in time.

July 10, 2007 at 3:41 pm #38957

Anonymous
Inactive

OH MY GOD!! Lori, I wanted to ask that same question but since I’ve been doing nothing but complaining on this board, I didn’t want to seem like I’m just a big complainer so I just kept it to myself. Honey, that’s us!!! What you’re describing I mean. While we sleep in the same bed, I feel like there is no connection anymore. Two nights ago I told him, “we haven’t cuddled in such a long time, every time I touch you doesn’t mean I want sex” he goes “I have no energy left after we put Ariella down for the night”. Umm, what energy do you need to cuddle? This morning, Ariella woke up at 5:30 am and did not nap until 2:30 pm!!!! I was going nuts so I call DH at work to complain he tells me “What do you want me to do? I’m at work…how can I help from here?” I got so mad at him that I told him to find somewhere else to sleep tonight b/c I didn’t want to see him. I know that was stupid of me but for some reason, he annoys me so badly. Especially when Ariella’s cranky (due to teething!) he tells me “you spoiled her”. WHAT??? Lori, like everyone else on here, I keep going on about my life but I definitely feel you. Is there a chance both of you can have a weekend getaway?? IS there something you did together you enjoyed? Try going out for a movie (nothing big) and acting as if it was both of your first date? I’m throwing some ideas here (we need help ourselves!!) Big, big hugs your way. I hear you about doing something about it before it’s too late. You’re absolutely right. Try talking to him more about it, I guess. He’ll see your point eventually (I hope).

July 10, 2007 at 3:47 pm #38959

Anonymous
Inactive

Oh, sorry, didn’t read your second post about not having much help…Is there no way you could get some help? As for feeling empty, try remembering what attracted you to him in the first place? When I fight with DH and feel like telling him off, I try to remember that. It helps, sometimes. mariannardh2007-07-10 15:47:35

July 10, 2007 at 3:47 pm #38960

Anonymous
Inactive

I’m sorry Lori. When Seth was really bad and we did not feel comfortable leaving him at all, we would meet for lunch or go to an early dinner while he was at daycare. Is that a possibility?

July 10, 2007 at 4:06 pm #38963

Anonymous
Inactive

Thank you. I know that we need to make more time for each other. There’s always time. But things have been like this for so long that I just feel empty. He makes a big drawn out goodbye for the girls every morning before work, but doesn’t even say bye to me before leaving. It’s sad. We’ve been married for 6 years and together for 13. It’s sometimes hard to remember what we were attracted to in each other- this experience has really changed us both. There used to be passion and fun in our relationship. I’m really struggling to find a glimpse of that somewhere. s&h’s mum2007-07-10 16:08:30

July 10, 2007 at 4:13 pm #38966

Anonymous
Inactive

Oh man, Lori, I’m so sorry to read this, and so sorry to add my “amens” to those already posted. We, unfortunately, are crew members of the same boat! And your comment about getting ticked off at his loud popcorn crunching literally had me laughing out loud! I do the same thing!!! Every little irritating thing he does has been so magnified lately.

When trying to figure out how it all got this way (apart from the obvious reflux issues), the only thing I can think is that we have been living in “limbo” so to speak. What I mean is that I find myself constantly thinking, “oh, I can’t do that, but I will whenever Ben finally…. fill in the appropriate blank.” It shocks me to think that he is nearly 10 months old, and I feel like I haven’t really lived in those 10 months at all. Unfortunately, centering our world on Ben has really let other aspects of our lives fall apart. There’s just not enough energy to go around.

There have been times when we’ve fought and I just don’t care enough to keep fighting!! I just keep putting our relationship on the back burner to be dealt with whenever that magic day comes when all is right in the world.

Anyway, the only advice that I have to offer comes from a book, so take it for what it’s worth… Men totally respond to feeling like they are respected. I think that our husbands, or at least mine, has felt like he hasn’t really been useful in a long time. When men feel like they are useful, that they contribute, provide, that their wives lean on them and respect them, that’s how they feel and know they are loved. This, in turn, makes them want to show their love toward others.

Now, even knowing this, I still don’t always want to make the effort, but it’s amazing how much just telling dh how much I appreciate how he works hard to support our family so I can stay home, etc. will totally change his attitude.

July 10, 2007 at 4:53 pm #38968

Anonymous
Inactive

Naomi, sorry to hear that you’re also in a marriage slump. I also read that same book, and I think of that often. I don’t think the contibutor issue as so much a factor as the respect issue. I tend to have a short fuse with dh, and he feels that I criticize him a lot. The funny thing is that even when I try to make a conscious effort to bite my tongue, and to treat him extra nice, to do little things for him, the end is result is the same. I think in some ways I’ve given up. But, for what it’s worth, I’ve decided to try and start another “nice streak” with him. If it doesn’t work, then I’m going to have to insist on either counselling or a specific action plan on how to change things. The funny thing is that dh is so much into personal growth, professional growth, self improvement, efficiency, etc. He’s always trying to improve, and is into all those self help books and their strategies to improve your life and to be the best that you can be. I see him taking great efforts to doing this for his work, and he’s amazing with the kids and around the house, but when it comes to our marriage, he just doesn’t really seem to care. We’ve talked about it, but nothing ever changes. Hope that somethings clicks for you guys.

July 10, 2007 at 6:48 pm #38971

Anonymous
Inactive

Hmm… maybe slip a “How to improve your Marriage” book into his stack?

Seriously though, I guess we’ve been some of the luckier ones and everything we’ve been through with Bryce has really brought us closer. However, recently I’ve felt that our marriage has become a little… boring I guess? So we came up with a few things that really helped our relationship and bring back that “spark”. One thing I did was something really out of character and somewhat drastic for me, but I bought a dance lesson DVD and Josh and I have been learning to dance together after the boys go to bed some nights each week. This is something that neither of us would normally do, but it’s been a lot of fun learning & spending this time together! So maybe you could com up with a new hobby that you cold do together? We’ve also started playing board games together after the kids go to bed. Movies are fun too, but with games you can talk more, etc. The last thing we did was we got a astronomy program on our computer and some nights (again, after the boys are asleep) we’ll go out and look at the stars together and try to find different constellations, etc.

These are just some things that we’ve found to do together… things that allow us time to be together as well as talk to each other and have fun together. I’m sure you and your dh have different interests, but those are just some ideas. Good luck with everything. I hope that you’re husband will cooperate and you can find ways and work together to make things better between you.

Bryce’sMom2007-07-10 18:53:45

July 10, 2007 at 7:21 pm #38973

Anonymous
Inactive

Oh Lori,

I’m so sorry you guys are having a rough time. You know I never understood those people who had kids to SAVE the marriage I always felt pretty blessed with dh b/c I always thought we had such a strong marriage b/f Kate so all would be cinchy. No way! We waited six years to have a baby(been together for 11, I’m 26. Highschool sweethearts)and it’s HARD!! I have no idea what we would be like if we had had a baby right off the bat. Being a mother, maintaining your individuality, and being a wife are so hard. It’s hard enough to become a mother and deal with the wonderful terrifying responsibility of that, let alone a difficult baby with reflux!! Holy cow! AND to maintain a marriage. I never realized how much WORK it was going to be to make our marriage work. I am so lucky to have dh b/c we both are pretty routed in faith and have by the grace of God remained close despite all of Kate’s problems but I understand your feelings of frustration…even disapointment maybe with where your relationship is at?….I lost my train of thought…….oh!(ever since I became a mom my brain I swear is scrambled eggs) Here’s my advice, take it with a grain of salt. If there is mutual love and respect between you and dh, things will work. He HAS to put in effort though. How would he respong to a good heart to heart? Like if you said ” There’s something that’s really been weighing on my heart and I love you so much and want to make this work etc…..” I just mean if you approached him in a loving way. Not that you haven’t done that already though!! My husband just responds SO much better if I don’t sound irritated.Anyway, if there isn’t mutual love and respect, you might have to make choices. Oh! My minutes up! baby’s awake. I’ll be thinking of you!!!

July 10, 2007 at 8:43 pm #38979

Anonymous
Inactive

Lori

I am so sorry to be reading your post. I have to say that Matthew has done nothing but bring us even closer… but there are a few things that also make things easier for us:

– we talk a lot during the day – i think in a way it was lucky that my job was similar to Dave’s, because he calls me and asks me for advice, tells me his stories at the bank etc and i can totally relate. BUt this was not always the case — at one point i confronted him and told him that i did expect him to call and ask how we were doing during the day. At the beginning it was very akward and we would have nothing to say but now it is just a habit… and we both love it and are chatty!!

– he needs time off to function — so he goes golfing. Not that much lately with Baltimore and me being pregnant. But for example, he has 2 weeks of holiday this summer. The first one he is going with my dad to play golf in the south of spain. Then he is spending a weekend with his guy friends in Iceland (he will be in Europe, as are some of his friends going) and then he is spending the last week with Matthew and I in the south of spain too. Really – in a few years i hope we can spend the holidays together but he needs it and i was the one who suggested he take some time off to relax and he was so happy

– similarly, he gives me time off on weekends. he is great about it. so i wake up later, he makes breakfast and i usually go out for lunch or go run errands or i go get me a manicure etc…. again, he knows i need it and he takes charge of everything around here and i just go…

These little time offs etc are what is really helping i think… For us, what worked i think was to be very clear about expectations — ie i really wanted him to call and ask about my day, otherwise i felt kind of isolated here with Matthew. Also i asked him to participate more in Matthew’s evals when he was around and he has made a great effort and is around for everything these days. He needs to run, play golf and hang out with his friends — so i made an effort not to complain and to suggest trips he could take, and breaks from us.

Anyway — sorry about the long post. I am not saying this is what works for everyone. I am just saying maybe if you can think of what you want, start small (like a phone call during the day) and what he wants, you can start rebuilding what you had.

HUGS
Author

Posts