Infantreflux.org | what to do?

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December 15, 2006 at 9:28 am #20461

Anonymous
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I hope this is an okay topic. Dh is very angry at me because there is just no time to be intiment. Justice just doesn’t sleep and at night he is very clingy. The only time would be during the day, but then Luke is awake and wants to be with us. Now not only do I have a two yr old that feels he’s lacking in the attention dept., a 7 month old that won’t sleep and cries all the time, now I have a husband who is pissed at me. I try to give everyone my all and then there is just nothing left for me. I feel so numb right now. My husband wouldn’t even talk to me, he just left. What do I do? I know he needs that from me, but I’m just not comfortable with it when Justice is crying and Luke is trying to get into the room.

December 15, 2006 at 9:59 am #20465

Anonymous
Inactive

get a babysitter and rent a room for a few hours. you probably need it just as much as your husband does!!!!!!!

December 15, 2006 at 10:13 am #20470

hellbennt
Keymaster

ok I’ve known christine for a while now, & I want to say that she’s not yelling at you- I can see her smiling as she typed that, LOL

not that you might not already realize that Shelby

and not to step on your toes, christine…

Anyway: ummm….yeah, I guess a babysitter is in order…

here it’s warm out so I’d say to tell the sitter to take the kids to the park…she could put Ari in the stroller or wear him & Jonah can walk…but it’s probably cold where you are…hmmm…

do you have anyone where you could bring the kids? that way they’re out of the house…or, yeah, you have to find somewhere to go.

after you address this immediate need (ok I’m laughing to myself here) then you probably will want to figure out some sort of date night. we’re about due…we have a sitter who comes most sat. nights (not so much since Ari was born but posting this makes me realize we gotta get back to it) & dh & I go out. nothing much. usually just dinner. I love to come home and have at least Jonah in bed (sounds mean? but I put him to bed every night & I really enjoy coming home to some quiet time- well quiet as it’ll be w/ a 5month old – yikes he’s just now 5 months! around…) then we can watch a movie or what we have on Tivo from the week

hang in there shelby!!

December 15, 2006 at 10:26 am #20475

Anonymous
Inactive

You’re not alone, Shelby. My husband is also getting a little fed up with this whole mess. I know I need to let it go, but getting a babysitter makes me nervous with all of Ben’s struggles. I’m just afraid they wouldn’t know what to do with him. Do you have family around? Maybe they could help?

December 15, 2006 at 10:27 am #20476

Anonymous
Inactive

Motherhood is so hard. Everyone wants or needs something from you every minute of the day.

It’s hard enough taking care of a reflux baby, getting no sleep, and then have your dh mad at you. I’m sure he’ll cool off, but if not leave him alone with both kids for an entire day and see if he’s still in the mood when you get home.

I like Laura’s idea. Do you have a babysitter?

December 15, 2006 at 10:53 am #20477

Anonymous
Inactive

We are or were in the same boat. After Alexis with all the stress of her not eating, vomiting, crying, I was a wreck and never would leave her with anyone. Once she turned 1 years old I finally let go, I know it took a long time but I finally accepted that there wasn’t anything I could do better than my parents, she would be the same. With Taylor going on 8 months dh and I haven’t had time for anything alone, but this time around I think dh truly understands and is not rushing anything, he is waiting for his turn since he knows that when the girls are doing better, then I feel better and he will finally get attention. And Yep, I left dh alone with both girls while I did some shopping for a few hours, I had them both fed which is the hardest thing, and they were both happy and when I came home dh was napping with both girls out of pure exhaustion. He didn’t wash the bottles, make any dinner, do the laundry, pick up the toys, like I do in additon to watching the girls, he knew I had it rough and hasn’t expected much from me when he gets home from work. He now calls me everyday o his way home to see if he should pick up dinner! Like everyone mentioned above, have both of the boys fed, get a babysiter for a few hours and go out! You will actually find yourself truly needing the time away and some adult conversation.

December 15, 2006 at 11:40 am #20481

Anonymous
Inactive

Thank you all. I have a friend coming over to watch the boys for a few hours while I go out and just breath. Of course, I feel naked without my boys, but I’m sure I need it. As far as my husband goes I don’t feel comfortable leaving him with the boys. Sad to say I feel more comfortable leaving them with someone else. Dh has quite the temper. I am going to try to put Justice down tonight and just try to be intiment with dh in the 30 min before Justice wakes up. Even though I don’t really want to. I am so angry with him right now. As the woman though we always have to sacrafice. UGH! I truely can’t take much more. Those of you that pray please pray for us. I am breaking down here.

December 15, 2006 at 11:53 am #20482

Anonymous
Inactive

Shelby,

It sounds like you’re not getting very much support from DH. He should be your biggest supporter. If you’re afraid to leave the children with him because of his temper, then maybe he needs a little help with his temper. Since you do have a friend/babysitter you can trust (thank God!) maybe you and dh can talk to a marriage therapist or pastor or someone who can help you sort things out. I couldn’t leave my children with my husband until my second child was over 18 months old….that’s nearly 3.5 years into our lives as parents. I still can only leave them for short periods of time because he doesn’t feed them or put the baby to bed so I have to rush back before bedtime. I resent him for this and our marriage has gone to h*ll in a handbasket because of it. I’m telling you this so you will consider getting some help. Anger and resentment will destroy a marriage….but how can you not be angry and resentful when your spouse abandons you to essentially raise your children alone? And you should not be afraid to leave your children alone with your husband. That speaks volumes about him and he needs to do something about it.

I’m sorry things are so hard. I sure know what it’s like.

December 15, 2006 at 12:07 pm #20484

Anonymous
Inactive

Thank you all so much. You are my support system. If any of you have thought at any point that I am crazy, well now you see why. I do my best to be a great wife and mother and I don’t think any of them see that. I really am dealing with 3 children. My husband says things to hurt me like a child would. I finally talked to him after posting this and he said some really hurtful things. I just feel so numb. I would share what he said, but hopefully he didn’t mean it and I don’t know that it would be right to share it. I think your right that we need some counseling. I have mentioned that before, but nothing ever gets done about it. Honestly I think my husband needs some counseling on his own first. I don’t think we can work on us until he has worked on him. I don’t know maybe I’m wrong.

December 15, 2006 at 12:08 pm #20486

Anonymous
Inactive

By the way, were is evergreenie when you need her. She is a psycologist (sp) I think. Does anyone know what it means when you feel numb. I feel numb and sick to my stomach.

December 15, 2006 at 12:11 pm #20487

Anonymous
Inactive

I feel so bad for you, Shelby. I know exactly what you are going through. Please get some help. If he won’t go for counseling then go yourself. You need some support.

December 15, 2006 at 1:46 pm #20494

hellbennt
Keymaster

well I’m not a psychologist, but I am a counselor…

I know you’ve been trying to meet up with the babywearing moms near you…it’s so hard. have you sent anyone a private message? I’ve seen your posts, so I know you’re trying. I commend you for this! I don’t think meeting these moms will be life altering or anything, nor do I think this is the only answer, but it sounds like you’re up for a change somehow…I also believe that meeting new people can help put things in a new perspective & provide resources like babysitters, counseling resources, activities to do with your children that you didn’t even know existed…and, you might even make a new friend…

anyway, aside from that (which you’re already trying to persue), I do think counseling would be good for you. You can go for yourself & then once you’re ‘into’ it, invite your husband to a session…I shared that I’ve been in counseling – I actually went through the process of needing to, right here on this board, in 2004

I keep saying to hang in there Shelby, but it seems to ring true…

a big hug,

~laura

December 15, 2006 at 2:02 pm #20495

Anonymous
Inactive

shelby,
i too am in a similair situation.
i dont trust leaving Mike with Trace. all he wants to do is set him in the playpen and leave him there, and have him cry for hours.
he wanted a baby so badly, and he is not taking responsibility.
because i dont trust him, i dont go anywhere. i stay at home, and i am exhausted as i take care of Trace 24/7.
then he bit(hes about how i dont give him sex everynight like normal couples do. im sorry but i dont know anyone with a 7 month old that has sex every night. he claims i am abnormal.
how can i have a sex drive when i get no help? how can i be in the mood when i am stuck here and he comes and goes as he pleases? he leaves me here alone on weekends so he can go hang out with his friends. i am so tired.
right now its to the point where we havent talked in a week. i have told him plenty of times how i feeel, and he just doesnt care.

nataliachick72006-12-15 14:3:8

December 15, 2006 at 2:06 pm #20496

Anonymous
Inactive

YES!!! I agree with Laura. I met some SAHM’s when I started getting out of the house with the kids (to church, Kindermusik) etc, and it’s really made a big difference in my life. Now I have other moms to talk to and visit with. We babysit for each other from time to time and have each other for support. It really helps a lot and gives you a brighter outlook. The isolation I was feeling before was awful.

There are a couple of churches here in town that have a bible study twice monthly for moms. They provide nursery for the children (or we can keep the babies with us). It’s really a blessing for all of us. Maybe there’s something like that in your area.

December 15, 2006 at 2:18 pm #20497

Anonymous
Inactive

I’m sorry Natalia. I thougt it was just my dh. I could wring his neck for the h*ll he’s put me through. All I can say is as the children get older it gets easier because even if you have to do it yourself, it’s not as hard when the reflux is gone and they’re not so young and demanding. Now that Myles is older and reflux-free I feel that I can take care of all three on my own (I always could but it was so hard) and and that helps so much. I know I don’t need dh so he can be selfish, inconsiderate, and lazy. I will take care of my children myself if that’s what I have to do.

As for intimacy I think our dh’s are clueless if they expect us to take care of our children 24/7 along with all of the other household chores while they sit in front of the tv or computer, and then expect romance at the end of the day. What’s wrong with the way they think???

Anyway, try to find some support for yourself. A mom’s group, a church group, counseling. Will dh go for counseling with you?
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